House husbands - a distant reality in India?

‘Oh that useless chap, who stays at home and survives on his wife’s income?’ This is what people usually associate with men who are not the breadwinners of their families! The stigma associated with house husbands or stay-at-home dads seem to be stuck in our patriarchal Indian society. However, the trailer of the upcoming movie ‘Ki and Ka’ featuring Arjun Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor has paved way for a new debate on this…
Bollywood actor Arjun Kapoor is seen playing the role of a house husband, who is not driven by any aim or ambition, and is not even keen on pursuing any career. Kareena Kapoor, on the contrary, comes across as a highly motivated and ambitious woman, for whom climbing the corporate ladder is a priority in life. This concept might not be a new one but its acceptability is certainly questionable.
Two years ago, an episode of Satyamev Jayate, the talk show hosted by Bollywood actor Aamir Khan analyzed the subject of house husbands by bringing in a classic example - Atul Agnihotri, along with his wife, Arundhati, a couple that challenged the prevailing notion of masculinity and accepted Atul as a stay-at-home dad. But, in Atul Agnihotri’s case, circumstances inspired him to become a house husband as he was recovering from alcohol addiction. Similarly, the house husbands we know of are either out of job or working from home. The idea of ‘happily accepting the job of a house husband’ is relatively new in the Indian society.
“Honestly, I had to stay at home since I lost my job; after that I tried to venture into many businesses, but wasn’t successful," says a house husband on condition of anonymity. "My wife, on the contrary, is in a stable government job, so we decided to go for a role reversal. It’s been almost two years that I have been taking care of our four-year-old daughter. I pick her up from school every day, help her with homework, cook dinner and do other household chores as well. However, I really hope that it’s a temporary arrangement since it hurts a man’s ego when he is not been able to contribute to the household income. I haven’t been able to take my wife out for dinners or buy her any anniversary gifts in a long time. All I can say is that I’m really thankful to her for bearing with me,” he adds.
There are cases where women themselves find it difficult to accept the change. “Although, we do not have a financial crunch as my husband works from home and I work with an advertising agency, yet I’m expected to do all the household chores, which becomes difficult to manage due to my erratic work hours. It isn’t that my husband is not at all helpful, but you cannot rely on men completely when it comes raising children,” says Megha Jhawar, a 32-year-old woman. She even explains how her husband is not willing to be a part of the WhatsApp group created by her daughter’s school teachers, as it majorly comprises of all mothers, and she has to be a mediator every time there’s a new development on the group.
We also spoke to the traditional couples to know their opinion on house husbands and below are some of the responses:
“Well, I won’t mind taking a backseat if I get to spend time with my kids as majority of my time is consumed in commuting to work and I find myself barely involved in their lives. But, I’m not sure how we would manage the finances as my wife earns less than me. Also, my wife does a pretty decent job in managing the house, I’m not sure if I would ever be able to do that.” - Sudhir Srivastava, 35-year-old, tax consultant
“In today’s time, both husband and wife need to work in order to maintain a decent standard of living and such is the case, abroad. I find the idea of house husbands or even housewives absurd. People should learn to manage their responsibilities while not compromising with their careers. - Ragini Sharma, 26-year-old, HR professional
“We are still not accustomed to the idea of house husbands and parenting is majorly a mother’s job. Whenever I ask my husband to take care of our two-year-old baby, he always forgets something or the other. Even my baby needs me, I cannot imagine leaving my baby in order to go to work, especially when my husband is fairly doing well in his business.” - Saumya Kumar, 27-year-old, homemaker
It seems that the idea of men being the primary care-taker is still emasculating in Indian society. Dr Parul Tank, Psychiatrist at Care24 opines, “This social role reversal is not easy, and both men and women will have to change their mindset for this to work. At the same time, men will also have to learn to do household chores and not expect women to manage both office and home!” Talking about how this can change the relationship dynamics between couples, Dr Parul elaborates, “If there is already insecurity in a relationship, it worsens when the man decides to sit at home. The dynamics are bound to change when women work and men are at home. Usually, a breadwinner’s opinion is given priority, which also means women will have more control on issues that men often find hard to adjust. It is this perception that needs to change for the concept of house husbands to function.”
(Some names have been changed upon request)​